"I want you to ruin my sl*tty mouth"… and other unsolicited things (cis) men said to me on the internet in 2023.
Disclosure time. VERY NSFW.
Initiate PEARL-CLUTCHING PROTOCOL! Hands at the ready? Good. Here’s a highlights reel of unsolicited things (cis) men on the internet said to me in 2023. Just so we are clear: These are OPENING LINES and NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.
‘22’ let me know: “I’m looking for my next piece of fuck meat to breed”
‘sadistic af’ informed me: “I’m diagnosed psychotic and love to inflict pain. (i can) fill you with morphine you won’t feel anything.”
‘keen’ asked: “Hi. Any cock pic?”
‘Ryan’ was wondering: “U wanna watch me wank and cum?”
‘blank’ asked to: “Let me feel that big giant lady cock destroy my virgin mouth and throat.”
‘What’s up?’ let me know: “I want a trans to open me up slowly”
‘name withheld’ feels: “I bet you have sexy as fuck heels and a deadly stomp”
‘Ask my name’ wrote: “Fuck me till I’m begging you to stop, pinning me down with your foot on the back of my head.”
And of course the eponymous from ‘Dave’: “Can you ruin my slutty mouth and hole plz”
Putting aside the shockingly bad grammar (but not putting aside the utter lack of treating me with any dignity at all) these messages are not the worst DM’s that have slid into my inbox. These (cis) men, misguided as they are, want something from me and think that this is the way to get it. There are a whole slew of other messages designed to harm, hurt and otherwise belittle that I recieve, but that’s a different article for another day. This one is about sex strangers on the internet.
So, full disclosure time.
To me, marital monogamy feels akin to some elaborate breeding kink. In my life the desire for sex to be “only between two people to the exclusion of all others” is no more sacred than someone’s desire for cock-and-ball torture.
You still clutching those pearls?
It’s also not LESS sacred than that either. You want piss-play and leather-wear? Pop off, honey, I can respect your wants. You wanna hang from the ceiling while you do it? Yaaaasss, rig that swing! You desire your sexual partner waiting for you at home ready for when you walk in the door? How romantic!
There’s nothing wrong with *shudders* “heterosexual marital sex” so long as everyone is consenting and legally considered as being able to give said consent.
But I’m sorry, I don’t want to engage in legally binding partnerships where one person gets to only cum inside of or be cummed inside of by another for the purposes of having children. It’s weird. It’s weird that we got the law involved. It’s weird that we got a god involved too. Great if it’s your specific expression of love! But for me, the only god I want in the bedroom is me (Jokes, jokes! Despite what some desperate (cis) men on the internet would have you think I’m not a god, promise.)
So loosen that grip on your pearls for a second. I still think that love and kind, nourishing partnerships are the thing that makes life worth living. If I didn’t have the love of deep committed relationships I don’t know that I could continue to breathe in and out… But the idea of monogamy and being sexuality restrained to a single individual has always felt to me like “playing dress ups”, like I was pretending to be “normal”.
Sex is fun and I enjoy it with multiple partners.
Everyone is consenting. Everyone with whom I engage with knows what my life looks like. There are no fake names there are no false biographies there’s only honesty and openness and fucking. Quite a bit of all of those actually.
So, it would be no surprise to learn that I’m “on the apps”. Through flickering flames that is the garbage fire of online dating you may see me there. And yes, I am married. Yes, I have a long term partner that is not my wife. And everyone is cool with it. The mainstream struggles with these concepts and I am continually asked “but don’t you get jealous?!?”
Yes, of course! It would be ridiculous to suggest that I could just switch off decades of conditioning by media, religion and society in general that there is some sort of “ownership” involved in relationships. But feelings can be felt without acting on them. Feelings can be negotiated simply engaging in respectful communication and leading with your head and not your heart to ensure everyone’s needs are being met.
“But Why?!?!” I feel you wonder? Well, my reasons for living non-monogamously are as storied as my love life.
Something that I realised very early on for me is that I think it’s unfair to expect one person to be my sole source of love and intimacy. The joy that a relationship can bring is not a zero-sum game. Yes, the numbers of hours in the day are limited and that can make things tricky, but the amount of love I feel is not. Why would I limit either of my partners from experiencing even more love from another source? Why would I deny them a new and interesting experience that I can’t deliver? I mean, I’m good, but everybody has limitations, even bodies undergoing massive transformations like mine.
Which leads me to my other favourite reason: I am going through puberty for the second time and in the opposite direction and I deserve to have the opportunity to discover my changing body through sex and intimacy.
I particularly like this one. Aside from being true, few people are brave enough to disagree with it and if they did disagree, they would likely be disagreeing with the whole “trans thing” anyways… So I would just tell them to slither back under their rock while the rest of us get on with dismantling the conservative norms that have been holding us all back for centuries. The truth is that it’s been a delight to discover that this body can exist sexually in ways that it never did while living as a man. I’m not talking about what-genitals-go-in-what-orifice ways, I’m talking about the way a body moves, the way it feels, the way it responds. Living proof that the notion of gender is arbitrary and the diversity of existence cannot be categorised into a simple binary. So much of the sex we see in pornography and in the broader more acceptable media has enormous limitation to the way a person can move their body, especially for cis-men. The ‘thighs together, cheeks clenched’ format holds men back. Christ lads, straddle your lover on occasion. See how it feels! Let the sex be messy and awkward and exploratory. My transness didn’t change my sexuality, but it sure as fuck allowed me to better explore it. Sex is now a fundamentally different experience for me and a magnificent journey of discovery. There are times when I have sex and this body still feels like a “man’s body”. There are times when it feels like a “woman’s body”. And there are times where it feels like it exists without gender; that the only thing present is my want and need and the desire to satisfy someone else’s wants and needs.
But you know what? That’s actually no one’s business.
I certainly don’t owe the world an explanation. The world isn’t entitled to anything more than me stating “I enjoy sex” to justify my hook-ups… and neither should you need to say any more to justify yours. If someone needs more justification than that then they should take the Viagra eye drops and have a long hard look at themselves. It’s an application of a cultural expectation on me that I chose not to participate in. And frankly if someone were to try to shame me I’d likely just insist that they’re attempting to force a monogamous-breeding-kink-agenda on me in the same way a certain sub-set of conservative politics is claiming that I’m trying to force some radical sexual agenda on them.
And sure, I’m not above putting on my biggest shoes and standing on a man for my own enjoyment, I mean I AM a modern feminist after all. But I certainly don’t think everyone should do it. Aside from oversupply devaluing the act (I’m apparently well suited to according to cis-men on the internet) you can really do some damage if you aren’t careful. So, whether it is a deep emotional connection that I have with a life partner or some random fuck-boy on the internet that I want to teach a lesson to by thrashing him within an inch of his life, care and consideration is paramount. Sadly, it’s what makes these random messages, devoid of any consideration, so disheartening. If only they knew that coming to me in the spirit of compassion, sensitivity and respect might get them closer to their various things being “ruined” how they want them to.
*sigh*
So yeah, it’s strange that a man whom I don’t know would send me a message saying “I want you to ruin my slutty mouth” and then a photo of his asshole (I was kinda expecting a photo of his mouth but hey, he didn’t seem like he understood the difference?). But it isn’t as strange as the fact that being married, I am technically breaking contract law by having a long term partner or going on a hook-up. It might be strange to have a series of funny, awkward, life-affirming, hilarious, celebratory sex with a variety of strangers…. But it’s sure as fuck not as weird as getting someone to sign a contract that “you and only you will cum inside me” and then swearing to a god and the government that you are gonna do your best not to fuck anyone else.
-S